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I remember a friend who told me how, on their anniversary, he surprised his wife by decorating their apartment with roses real ones. There were rose bouquets, rose banners, rose petals in the wine ice bucket everything. When his wife came home, she was shocked then she started sneezing uncontrollably. Too late, my friend realized his wife was allergic to certain kinds of flowers, and those roses were one of them. Then she told him: “Thank you, but if you love me, please get rid of all these flowers.” And for the rest of the night, he hauled roses out of their apartment while his wife had to spend the night at a friend’s house.
Have you ever given a huge show
of love to a woman, like buying her an expensive gift, or doing her a huge favor
that took a lot of effort, or giving her a big hug but she didn’t seem to
appreciate it nearly as much as you expected her to? That’s painful. And it’s
inexplicable you can’t explain why she would NOT appreciate something like
that, and so you conclude that she doesn’t love you after all. Careful, though.
It’s never good to jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to love and
relationships.
Here’s why: Her “love language”
might be different from yours.
In case you haven’t heard of the
five love languages before, they were developed and put forward by Gary Chapman
in his 1995 book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment
to Your Mate. In the book, Chapman claims that there are five “love languages,”
or preferred ways to express love to a romantic partner. These are:
1. Words of
affirmation. This is when you show love by expressing it verbally, through
compliments, or by thanking her for the smallest gestures.
2. Gifts. This
is when you show your love by giving her gifts, big or small. This love
language is where “the thought counts” the most.
3. Acts of
service. This is when you show your love by DOING things for her. You take out
the trash, you wash the dishes for her, or you let her take a nap while you take
care of the baby.
4. Quality time.
This is when you show your love by spending quality time with her. You’re fully
present you give her your undivided attention while she tells you about her
day, about what’s bothering her, and about her opinions in life.
5. Physical
touch. This is when you show your love by hugging her, kissing her, tickling
her, playing “tag,” or making passionate love to her. Chapman claims that every
person has one primary love language and one secondary love language. Now,
scientifically, Chapman’s claims can’t really be proven. But his book has
remained popular for more than 20 years, and countless happy couples swear by
it so it would be unwise to disregard the power of love languages.
What Love Languages Mean For Your Relationship
The key takeaway
is this: There isn’t just one way to express love. There are many. And if you
express your love in your preferred love language and your woman doesn’t seem
to appreciate it as much as you expected then it’s probably because she doesn’t
speak the same love language as you. That’s also true of her. If she expresses
her love in her preferred love language and you don’t show as much appreciation
as she expects then she might resent it and feel unloved. So you’ll need to do
two things: Observe her closely and find out what her primary love language is.
You might even
ask her directly if she has a preferred love language Chapman’s book has been
around long enough that the idea of “love languages” is fairly common
knowledge. You also need to communicate to her what YOUR preferred love
language(s) are. Simply knowing what each other’s languages are just might save
your relationship one day. So check yourself, and check your woman as well.
What love languages do you speak? What adjustments do you need to make?
